Freshman Suffocation

     In school, especially in classes with people you don't know very well, I know I start to feel shy and introverted. I don't express my opinions whereas with people I know well, I can easily share what I believe in. I can be a brutally honest, blunt person. I am passionate in what I believe in as well.
     I think during freshman year, I started to get too shy to even talk in any of my classes. I'd shut myself out or just not know what to say. Suddenly, in my own mind at least, I thought I'd get ripped apart by everyone if I said one bad thing. I was incredibly critical of myself. I stopped having opinions, conveying my emotions and only had a small friend group who I was very close with. 

     I don't know why this started, looking back I had had not experience that stood out that would force me to shut myself out. I realize now that there was no reason for me to become so timid. It became almost an anxiety to speak in public or in class. No one was overly critical of me, I had never been told that I was an idiot for believing something or that I was awful human being, but that what I thought would happen if I did. None of my opinions, I would guess, would ever warrant that. 

     Even the way I dressed became for other people, not myself. I dressed up every day and never wore leggings or sweatpants, jeans were even rare. Maybe I wore leggings a total of four times throughout the year, when I did, it was a really bad day. So now I was afraid of people judging my looks. 

     Admittedly, I looked pretty nice daily but I woke up an hour and a half before school started to do my hair and makeup. All this did was stress me out even more. Straightening or curling my hair every single day and perfecting my makeup was not an enjoyable way to spend my mornings. My mom said I was so nit picky because I'm a Virgo. I know I was because I was going crazy trying to please others. 

     Did people actually care how I looked? Would people actually hate me if I went to school in a sweatshirt? Or if I repeated an outfit? Would that really be such a travesty? 

     Now, I see the ridiculousness of it all. I'm less critical of myself and able to stand up for myself without having the fear of what people would think of me. It may have taken a few years to come full circle but I realize now that my opinions are educated, also people can disagree with me. That's life. No fair person is going to rip me apart for not agreeing with them. Let's face it, my wardrobe is not a defining characteristic of mine. My sweatpants or sweatshirt aren't going to set anyone off if I choose to wear them. If they do, then that's too bad. I have the right to make my own choices and say what I want to.